So I have a boyfriend… Finally after 7 years of waiting I have found someone I want to share my life with. I met him on tinder ironically considering one of my more recent posts and he is the nicest guy I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Which brings me to the title of today’s blog post. Is it ever ok to share baggage?
When I think of him being with anyone else in the past it bothers me. I know that’s irrational but I take a certain pleasure in knowing I’m his first girlfriend since school (he’s 21 I’m 24 before that concerns anybody). It allows me to pretend to myself that he has never been as intimate with anyone else as he has with me, just the simple thought of him being in bed with someone else let alone actually having sex with them sparks an irrational jealousy that makes me feel sick and also stupid. At our age and in this generation it’s not like I expected him to come to me as a Virgin but I can’t help but let the jealousy flare up and eat away at me if I give it just a moments thought. Therefore if the topic ever comes up I steer away from it and change the subject pretty quickly.
Which brings me of course to my own pursuits of being a singleton. In the past 7 years of been alone I have far from lived my life as a nun. Out every weekend drinking tequila and sleeping around has been pretty much my forte. I do not believe in slut shaming and do not care to be judged on the amount of sexual partners I have had or in what context I have had them, however I find myself suddenly being filled with an intense feeling of panic when I think of my new beau finding out. It is not that I think he would judge me harshly or dump me or anything so drastic, as I say he is a very nice guy. However I feel it is something that will eat away at him gradually, he has a tendency to be thoughtful about seemingly insignificant topics which he then brings up to me to reveal they have been playing on his mind. So for something like this which can hardly be described as insignificant I feel it would slowly but surely destroy us.
The decision then lies in the choice between open honesty and bringing the subject up now or keeping the topic out of bounds and hoping to go nobody ever reveals exactly what I was up to before I met him. Is it better to live a lie and in fear or to be open about something I deem to be unnecessary information and ruin a good thing?