‘I’m cool with it just being sex’. Maybe true but more likely one of the biggest lies we tell these days. I find myself doing this a lot lately. Not just to the guy in question as I lounge around smoking a post coital cigarette before getting my shit together and leaving at first light, but to my friends and even to myself. ‘neither of us are at the right point in our lives, it’s not that I don’t want a relationship, it’s just that he’s a bit younger than me, he’s at uni, it’s not what he wants right now and well I’m cool with that’. I told a friend the other day when she asked why I didn’t like a guy after spouting off about his talents in and out of the bedroom for a good ten minutes.
The damming truth is, I would love a relationship with that guy. Yes he’s a couple of years younger than me, yes he is at uni but have I spoke to him about what he does or doesn’t want in a relationship? No. and why not? Because like many other girls and probably some guys as well in their early twenties I’m worried I’m going to scare him off.
Don’t get me wrong, to all intents and purposes what I have with that guy is mostly good. He’s intelligent and can therefore hold a decent conversation with me, our goals lean towards the same sort of career path and the sex is out of this world. I find him attractive, cool and interesting. We hook up 2 or 3 times a month and have great sex and then I leave the next morning. I tell myself each time that I’m happy with that, that I’m cool with us discussing other relationships we may or may not be having with other people while desperately trying to supress the jealousy that spikes whenever he mentions having another girl in his bed.
I find myself wanting to text him when I see or hear something I know he’ll find amusing or interesting. But I don’t. Because that fear is there at the back of my mind niggling away and saying that if I was to do that it would be too full on and he’d get scared away thinking I was after marriage and children. It suits me far better for some reason to hang out in that limbo of will he text me this weekend, should I text him, and the most desperate fear of all that he might suddenly get into a relationship with someone else and leave me behind and feeling inadequate. I suppose that’s the biggest fear of all, because when you convince yourself that the other person doesn’t want a relationship to make yourself feel better about not suggesting it, that when they do get into a relationship you manage to convince yourself that it was in fact something wrong with YOU and it was YOU they didn’t want a relationship with, when in fact if maybe you’d have asked them instead of being ‘cool’ with everything you’d be the one smiling out from a cheesy couple profile picture right now.
It’s a rising trend I think in young people that we presume that nobody wants a relationship. Yes there’s cute couples everywhere but they’re like a different breed to us. The good time people who go out partying every weekend, blowing off steam from a week of working or studying and inevitably ending up in someone else’s bed. Even when the right person comes along you either find they’re the ones you don’t want a relationship with or it ends up never developing past the stage of just sleeping together because neither of you know any better. In trying to be the ‘cool girl’ or guy you end up cooling it off altogether and to be honest in being that cool girl or guy in the first place your setting yourself up as ‘not boyfriend/girlfriend material’.
While lads wholly appreciate us girls who go round and play video games and get on with their mates and give them blowjobs without moaning about it for an hour first we’re not the type of girl they want on a permanent basis. I won’t pretend I know what guys want because if I knew that I’d be a really famous published author instead of writing a blog that only has a slim chance of being read. BUT. I do think that as a generation we need to pull back a little on being the ‘cool person’ fair enough knowing what you want and getting it is a mantra I live by myself but if you meet someone special who you think you might want to be with for real don’t fall into the trap of acting round them the way you would around a casual hook up. There’s only one person you hurt in the end and that’s yourself.